Cringe Moments

Kak Teh has tagged me for "Cringe Moments" so I have no choice but to oblige. After all, I do have the tendency to embarrass myself at the most unlikely moments.

On a couple of occasions the bottom half of my baju kurung developed a mind of its own and slid down to my knees; once as I stepped out of a car and the second time while walking. Luckily I managed to grab the sarong both times, halfway before it settled into a neat pile at my feet.

One time too many, I had risen from sujud (prayer prostration) only to find myself underneath the voluminous telekung (prayer garb) of another woman praying in front of me, almost kissing her arse, literally!

And then there were all those "accidental farts" in public places, sudden gusts of loud, explosive wind where you had expected a dainty, barely audible 'peet' safely concealed within your butt crack...

Here are six more that I can comfortably recall. Quite a few I can't write for the sheer embarrassment of it all .......

Cringe Moment One

Press Ball 1973 saw me, age 19, on the stage singing my heart out to the media crowd, accompanied by the NST band. I was togged in a brand new dress - a black, hand painted kaftan with a beautiful bold floral motif, purchased that very same morning.

[NB: Those days kaftan was an acceptable attire for formal functions, unlike today when it is relegated to house coat status and renamed 'baju kelawar']

There were hoots of catcalls, not to mention howls of laughter as well as audible gasps from the floor. I felt so proud as I strutted my stuff on the stage thinking "Wah! I must be damn good, man! They like my singing so much!"

It was only after I finished singing and went backstage that someone pointed out the root of the all the hoots. Apparently, my black kaftan was so sheer that nothing was left to imagination.

I was told, my only saving grace as I stood up there on the stage in full glare of the spotlight was that I had my undies on...(GASP!)

Cringe Moment Two

I was newly divorced and was sharing a house with a fellow lady journalist in Bangsar. The single storey terrace house was conveniently within walking distance from the NST office.

I was so late for work one morning that after getting dressed, I hurriedly grabbed my jacket hanging behind the door, draped it on my arms and walked to the office.

I arrived at my workstation in Balai Berita and was about to toss the jacket onto the back of my chair when a colleague took one look and asked: "Why are you carrying your pants to work?".

I had accidentally grabbed my trousers instead of a jacket. Small wonder people were giving me strange looks as I walked by!

Cringe Moment Three

Those reporting days, my standard dressing was a blouse and a knee-length skirt. I had a preference for flouncy floral skirts teamed with plain-coloured tops.

I went into a hotel washroom during an assignment once, after which I walked down to the main road to take a minibus back to the office. There were a lot of interested stares so I added an extra wriggle to my walk. You know, just to make their day.

As I stepped onto a minibus, a woman closed in on me and said: "Dik, skirt you terangkat, tersangkut kat panties. Nanti saya tolong tarik." (Sis, your skirt is hitched to your panties. Let me help you adjust it).

Thank God my skirt was of decent length, so my modesty was covered (slightly). Still, the thought of purposely wriggling my half exposed butts to all the mamats at the bus stop, for its entertainment value, suddenly made me feel so darn cheap.

Cringe Moment Four

To my utter frustration, I have never been able to drive manual cars despite many tries. I get confused easily with gear-change. My mind simply refuses to register anything to do with those gear slots. In the end my driving is limited only to cars with automatic gear.

Once, during one of the sporadic lessons given by my son Joe on how to use the manual gear, I accidentally stepped on the gas, sending the car careening off-course.

I was so startled that I screeched hysterically:"Fear the gree! Fear the gree!" to Joe who was seated beside me. His response was a confused "Huh??" I calmed down enough to ask him to free the gear.

Cringe Moment Five

Pak Abu and I went on a lunch date, at a well-known food stall called Wak Daeng in Subang Jaya, a month before we got married. I was at my most demure self - dressed to the hilt in pink baju kurung and heels, walking primly beside him trying to impress the man.

After lunch I bought a packet of bubur kacang to take home. As I melenggang away on the kerb, I missed the edge of the pavement, causing the heel of my shoe to suddenly give way.

I tumbled ungraciously face down onto the road, legs askew, spilling bubur kacang all over. Pak Abu, supressing his mirth, helped me up and pretended as though it was 'nothing'. I think he was exploding inside.

Cringe Moment Six

1967, Remove Class, Dungun English Secondary School. I had just made friends with some Chinese classmates who, upon knowing my interest in Teresa Teng's songs, started teaching me the lyrics. Along the way they also taught me bits of Mandarin.

One day one of the girls told me to practise my Mandarin phrase by saying it out loud to the most 'apia' fellow in class. I was to say "Hello, how are you?" and he would answer accordingly.

So armed with the phrase they had taught me, I approached the chap and said hopefully; "Wo ter ai ren?". The startled fellow looked at me blankly, and then said thoughtfully,"Leally aaaa..!"

wo ter ai ren - you are my sweetheart