19th Hole Caddies

I don't understand what is it with some Malaysian golf clubs wanting to hire (a few already have) female caddies from Thailand or Indonesia, when we have a lot of unemployed local youths who could be trained to do the job.

To my mind, this is nothing more than a marketing strategy that panders to the wiles of golfers, majority of whom are males with deep pockets who have reached a certain station in life.

Unpleasant as it may sound, most male golfers are lecherous by nature and lording it over a bevy of young women on the course is a turn-on. It's akin to having one's own harem.

With the exception of some Asian countries (Thailand and Indonesia come to mind), the caddying ratio is one to one (one caddie to a golfer), although some clubs do allow caddie-sharing in a flight.

But where caddying involves women, a golfer in all likelihood will have at least three hovering around him; one to carry his bag, one to carry a stool for him to park his royal arse on and one to carry a hand towel to wipe his sweaty brow.

Women caddying is very much an Asian phenomenon (you can thank or thump Thailand for this). In other parts of the world you won't find such 'golf handmaids' at your beck and call.

I was given to understand that women caddies are graded through their looks; the common-looking ones end up doing the real caddying job of lugging the bag, cleaning the balls etc.

The eye candies are assigned to the more lightweight tasks of wiping his sweat and picit dan urut (massage) him where and when necessary.

These are the ones who stand a better chance of making some extra cash by fondling a different type of balls later on, courtesy of arrangements made on the course during the game.

Of course the clubs involved will absolve themselves from any knowledge of what goes on in the women caddie fraternity by saying "what they do after-hours is none of our concern."

But the fact remains that it's they who provide a window for such an opportunity.

Whoring is not a difficult thing to do if a similarly-inclined woman is placed smack among horny golfers with no scruples about indulging on the side.

This sort of thing is rampant when golfers group together to organise trips abroad, purportedly to experience different courses. What's left unsaid is that they also gear up to sample new 'dishes'.

Philandering is part and parcel of such trips. Our northern and nusantara neighbours are favourite destinations because they reek of easy, relatively cheap sex.

The huge, half-empty continent down under is another, for those with a yearning for 'white meat' (their term, not mine).

And then there's those almond-eyed, porcelain-skin dolls awaiting in the 'Old Country.' Socialism and communism notwithstanding, the flesh trade still flourishes.

No matter how golfers spin it, golfing trips sans wife almost always conclude with the same 'adventure' at the 19th hole, to which many adjourn with gusto.

Maybe not all succumb to such temptation, but it's only because the fear of AIDs, even with the 'topi' on, overrides the fear of God.

I know they have no fear about their indiscretion being discovered by their spouses because the brotherhood closes rank and protects their own, always.

Having vented my spleen, I now have to make amends with the many good, respectable golfers that I an acquainted with (else I can't show my face in KLGCC anymore!), and I do know quite a few.

They are good family men who frown upon such hanky-panky but choose to close one eye in the spirit of golf brotherhood. Why upset the status quo?

When asked, they'd wring their hands and give a plaintive "But, but, what can I do?" cry. Nonetheless, they are still the decent ones.

They do their Zohor and Asar solat between putts and swings, they don't bet, they go straight home after each game (no hanging around the bar/karaoke/trysts with girlfriends or mistresses), and they usually take their wives along on trips to avoid temptation.

Okay, now that I have covered both grounds, I don't feel too guilty about tarring all golfers with the same brush.

Like it or not, golfers are usually amorous, ageing Lotharios with money and it's the money that these materialistic young women have their sight on, not the decrepit old men themselves.

Be that as it may, these young women are not blind to the fact that it's a package deal where you can't have one without the other.

As such, these pliable girls in low-cut dresses and even lower morals will gladly suffer the indignity of coping with hanging guts and wrinkled skin of men old enough to be called 'Dad' or even 'Grandpa', if there's money to be made between those folds.

So stop kidding yourselves, fellas; she's not in it for your looks or your swing, not even for that Viagra-aided boner of yours. It's your padded pocket that matters.