A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, "I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I had been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Fred and Mabel were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they both walked beside the swimming pool, Mabel jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom.
Without a thought for his own safety, Fred jumped in after her, brought her to the surface, hauled her out, gave her the kiss of life and saved her.
The next day happened to be Fred’s annual review. He was brought before the hospital board, where the director told him, “Fred, I have some good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that in the light of your heroic act yesterday, we consider that you are sane and can be released from the hospital and be back into society.
"The bad news is, I’m afraid Mabel, the patient you saved, shortly afterwards hung herself on the bathroom door with the belt from her bathrobe. I’m sorry but she’s dead.”
“She didn’t hang herself,” Fred replied, “I put her there to dry.”
Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing programme on television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the television and the other on the body part they wanted healed.
Grandma hobbled to the television and put one hand on the TV set and the other on her arthritic hip. Grandpa made his way to the set, put one hand on the television and the other on his crotch.
Grandma looked at him with disgust: “you just don’t understand, you old fart. The purpose of this program is to heal the SICK, not raise the DEAD.”
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
“May I help you?” she asked. I want to see Valerie,” the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam. “No. I must see Valerie,” was the man’s reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled ten one-hundred dollar bills out, gave them to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row–too expensive–and that there were no discounts.
The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled the money out, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night, the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.
“No one had ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked. The man replied, “South Carolina.” “Really,” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”
“I know,” the man said. “Your father died and I am your sister’s attorney. She had asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
3. Being screwed by your attorney
Host: ”Ah Lian, you’ve done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend. Are you ready for the million-dollar question? The next question will give you the top prize of one million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong, you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”
Ah Lian: “Sure, I want to go!”
“Which of the following bird does not build its own nest? Is it……..
Remember Ah Lian, it is worth one million dollars!”
“I think I know, but not really leh! No, I dunno. I want to phone a friend, want to make sure.
“Yes, who, Ah Lian, do you want to phone?"
“I’ll phone my friend Ah Huey.”
(Ringing) Ah Huey: “Hello…”
“Hello Ah Huey, it’s Mr Bush from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Ah Lian here and she is doing really well with $500,000, but needs your help to be a millionaire. The next voice you hear will be Ah Lian’s and she’ll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away Ah Lian!”
“Very hard one ahh, which one of the following bird does not build its own nest? Is it:
“Aiyah, Ah Lian, this one easy lah! It’s a Cuckoo.”
“You sure or not?”
“Thanks Ah Huey.” (hangs up)
“Well, do you want to stick to $500,000 or play on for the million?”
“I want to play, I’ll go with C; Cuckoo bird.”
“Is that your final answer?”
“Are you confident?”
“Yes Ah Huey very choon one.”
“Ah Lian, you have $500,000 and you said C; Cuckoo. You’re right! You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your cheque. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Ah Lian.” (clap clap clap).
That night Ah Lian calls on Ah Huey and takes him out for a celebration drink. As they sip their champagne, Ah Lian turns to Ah Huey and asks “Tell me Ah Huey, how in Tua Pek Kong’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Ah Huey: “You dunno meh? Everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock!”
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”
The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for this kind of contest. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replied, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband said, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….'HEBREWS.'