Oy! Oy!

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

Coffee (n.): The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted (adj.): Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.): To give up all hopes of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.): To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.): Impotent.

Negligent (adj.): Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.): To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.): Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.): Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.): A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.): A humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon (n): A Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster (n.): A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent (n.): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer....

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that’s good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature (and my personal favourite!):
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.