Monday, April 5, 2010

When Kama Rambles

They say opposites attract. I say "uh uh, I'll go with that." Why? Because in my case they do and I can only speak for this old self. How does it work? Like I know! That's one of the mysteries of life, yet unsolved.

I've been hitched to Pak Abu for almost a decade (this is our ninth year), and I'm still trying to figure that out. We are as removed as chalk and cheese in more ways I care to count that I still marvel our union has not come unglued.

Just because opposites attract doesn't mean it's all peaches and plums till we kick the bucket. God knows how we get on each other's nerves sometimes, which is to be expected since we don't see eye to eye on so many issues. It's always a red-letter day when we actually agree on something!

There's a trick to staying married, differences notwithstanding; it's called tolerance. I'd be the first to agree that tolerating the other party's idiosyncrasies is among the hardest things to do. But don't forget; you have your own set of quirkiness and the spouse has to learn to put up with yours too!

You'll have a workable marriage if you take time to learn the ropes and not shoot your mouth too often. For instance, how to end an argument, the protracted kind that doesn't get anywhere because ego and foolish pride prevent both from admitting defeat.

He and I have got this one down pat. It's not that we are so magnanimous to give in so easily (like hell we do!). What usually happens is that we listen to our inner voice, the one that booms "enough ler oooi!" and take heed.

My standard retreat is to develop instant impediments of the senses, my favourite being the sudden loss of hearing and speech ability, coupled with what he calls my 'dirty look.' It's good to know the eyes convey what the mouth refrains from saying.

Usually, he takes the cue almost immediately for he knows he achieves nothing by raving and ranting to a deaf mute. I believe in the silent treatment in order to get our lives back on track. I must say there's always a degree of sportsmanship in all our squabbles.

Being married is good. Staying married is better. Living together happily in holy matrimony, till death do us part, is the best, although it doesn't always work out that way.

Only if all else fails should you consider the unpalatable option of separating. Believe me, divorce is not great. The aftermath sucks. It screws the lives of too many people you love. Go separate ways only if that's the only option left.

Always think - is it worth it? Do it only when you are absolutely sure Splitville is worth every second of the rest of your life. There is no guarantee to happiness, by the way. You can only be happy if you choose to be, wherever you are.

So iron out those little kinks in your marriage as you go along. Don't wait for them to mount or hope they'll disappear if you ignore them long enough. Tackle issues head-on. Speak your mind. Tell each other how you feel. Stay true to each other and profess your love often.

What's wrong in saying "you look nice today" or "you smell good" or "that colour suits you well" or whatever. Not every compliment is fishing for a roll in the hay (although most times they are... hehehe, just kidding!)

Lastly, don't stray. Straying is bad for it destroys trust. Also, you may get STD and your peter may develop warts and boils and shrink, and drop off. And that'll be the end of you as a man. Good luck and God bless!


PS: Comments on erring wives have to wait till another day, since they can't be threatened with the spectre of anything rotting and dropping off from the nether region...

27 comments:

Kak Teh said...

Puteri, we've gone past the 30 year barrier and I can testify to what you rambled here. The ears can suddenly go deaf, biting the tongue is recommended, and trying to laugh at stale jokes repeated in public is almost noble.
Its not easy. but its worth it. I cant bear the thought of not waking up to; mana cermin mata I?

Pi Bani said...

Am not married, so no comment on that... but I've always believed in "silent treatment" especially bila I tengah marah... rather than cakap lepas and kemudian menyesal with what I said...

Anonymous said...

Puteri, your ramblings touch on a raw nerve. But to be honest I am most happy when we are together as family if one is missing for a short while, we felt incomplete esp. Abah/Umi.Keep on ramblings I enjoyed reading them.

Wan Sharif said...

Puteri,
Has also gone past 30 year barrier and has to agree/can testify to every detail of your rambles.
On getting on each other's nerve.. I heard/read it somewhere.. married person get 30x reward(pahala) compared with those unmarried, for doing the same deed.
Rationally, in order to get that kind of reward, married persons faced equivalent hardship.. Non?

Pat said...

You make so much sense here, girl. I wish young people would read you and realise how so not easy it is being married. And like you say, marriage takes a lot of work - on both sides - if it is to succeed.

We hit our 27th anniversay in July, and I've known this man for close to 30 years. And I still love him, and I know he loves me. And that is a good feeling.

And you are right: it has not always been perfect, nor easy - and mainly because like you two, we too are very different: memang chalk and cheese, like you say.

But we've made it this far together, and we're still friends. I'm looking forward to growing old(-er!) with him ;)

mekyam said...

i believe pat revealed the magic formula -- *being friends with your spouse!*. :D

basically it boils down to... even if you cannot stand his sh*t sometimes, you'd miss even his fart when he's not around. [that's how it is with me. :D]

mamasita said...

Hahaha..I love your entry Puteri..gosh, lama betul I tak blog hop..hope I didn't miss much!!
Betol betol..semua I sokong!

You nakgi Umrah bila? Kalau NanaDJ and you ada plan brunch weekend ni, count me in..maybe on Sunday at your 'favourite' restaurant?? hehe

Tommy Yewfigure said...

Hi Puteri,

Did it occur to u ladies that men in most instances do craves the so call ‘Silent Treatment’ especially during the football season, ahhh so peaceful & the uninterrupted bliss..…hehehe…

Oh dear me, mekyam, u cracked me up. Were u thinking about the fart when he takes the meat out of the freezer…oops red faced!

Tommy

─╣aptop™ said...

Yang married for less than 2 tahun jagung qualified to comment or not?
(Depa dah melepasi 30 tahun, ishkkkkk!)
No wife must be that extra sensitive to "mana cermin mata I?". Laki tu tak dak nawaitu pun nak disturb your slumber; it just blurted out. Automatic lagi. Kalau jawab balik, "Yang I tadi guna spec tu nak pelekat api, guruih api dah basah!", bukankah lagi meriah jadinya? hehehe

Kak Teh said...

tumpang lalu puteri,
laptop, soalan 'mana cermin mata i' tu adalah antara soalan2 yang tak memerlukan jawapan. Kalau jawab, "Laaa, you letak tang mana?" mulalah akan mencetuskan ,"kalau i tau tak kan i tanya," dsb pada siang-siang hari.

Kalau nak sampai ke 30 tahun dan lebih mestilah kenal mana-mana soklan yang tak wajib berjawab atau yang memerlukan bohong sunat atau jawapan sepaling ringkas; macam "you dah makan vitamin hari ni?"

kay_leeda said...

WE'll be 23 in a few days. Initially the first 10, was blastfully loud, the next 10 projected lower volume and the last three looks is heading towards "deaf mute".

Tak larat dah aihhh nak nak bising-bising. Susah-susah send sms je, and kalu nak cerita longer shoot email. Tapi geram gak bila lambat reply. Harus gak kena call dulu suruh read email..LOL.

Kama said...

Kak Teh - Who says familiarity breeds contempt kan, Kak Teh? Just like you, I hate thinking of the day when he's no longer there (kalau Allah swt panjangkan usia kita medlebihinya lah)..

Pi - the adage silence is golden holds so true.

Anon 10.51 - i know where you're coming from and i sympathise. i feel incomplete without my kids..

Wan - 3 decades of marriage is no mean achievement, wan. semoga berpanjangan hingga ke akhir hayat. wah, rewards berganda2 ni bagus, but to get them kena banyak sabar.. hehehe

Pat & mekyam - i sooo agree with you both about 'being friends with one's spouse." they may get on your nerves but when they aren't around.. ooboy.. life's just not complete.

Mamasita - wb to the comment sphere.. we can hv bruch sunday at you-know-where.. hehe.. i'm cool. ajaklah the rest. the family and I will be leaving for umrah 19/04.

Tommy - pak abu definitely agrees with you tommy re 'silent treatment'.. hehehe.. such bliss!

Lap - as long as you hv been through the grind, doesnt matter how long the marriage lasted, kira ok la.

Kama said...

kay - i haven't reached the stage of 'bertengkar' through e-mails & text msgs.. verbal sparring pun tak larat nak carry on..lol

_deli said...

Salam Kak Puteri,

Thank you counselor. Where do I stand? The giver or the taker - yang asyik menolak atau yang sering beransur? Hmmm... soalan cepumas ni!

Mine is only 1/3 of Kak Teh's; a little over a decade. Not bad I'd say. I do thank ALlah for having me met my jodoh later than the usual age for men. Dah tetua ni tak lah darah cepat menyirap (agaknya jantung tak berapa cergas nak mengepam); adalah kesabaran sikit.

Now let's see if we can carry this tolerance outside the home... non?

Desert Rose said...

Kak,

Tq for such a worthy advice, akan saya junjung di atas batu jemala patik...(esp kpd saya yg selalu bermulut petir kpd somi..ampun Kanda)

Kama said...

Deli - itulah hikmah tua.. 'blood go upstairs' selow sikit..hehehe

DR - ooo, itu petirdan kilat sabung menyabung tarak baguss.... nanti itu Jannah tarak cium punya.. hehehe

pakmat said...

..I thought your earlier ramble was something else..:)been married 10 years, hey?..hmm..I was married to my first for 15 years, my second 22 years and still counting, and my third 5 years..but the years count for nothing..whichever way you looked at it, marriage is still a gamble..but then, I had always been an erring husband..:)

p.s. in polygamy, the silent treatment is a welcome relief..:) cheers..

Kama said...

Pakmat - had it not been for the the big D, i would have been wed to the same man for 36 years now. 13 years of marriage followed by 13 years of single-momhood had taught me many things. I learned to be strong and independent.
You have a colourful life yourself, Pak... hehehe

D said...

my late hubby and I were opposites who were well suited, I'd say... When I started to bebel, he stayed quiet and calm. He tidied the room when I threw my sarong or T-shirt around nonchalantly. :) Cukuplah tu.

Let me now sit back and watch other couples biting each other dgn mesranya.

Take care, Kak Puteri!

Gurindam Jiwa said...

I stick to the rule of thumb that if I found one thing I don't like about my partner, my partner probably has five things she doesn't like about me, and yet she chooses to ignore them, because because because... This rule of thumb also seems to work well on friendship and other relationships.

dinturtle said...

uh-oh.... silap masuk..... i'd rather stick to sopo issues than talking about married life !

typical man..... :)

salam kak.

Kama said...

D - hehehe, I like that statement "biting each other dengan mesranya.." a little squabble is allowed every now and then, it's a way of releasing marital tension. kalau jadi pak (or mak) angguk aja pun boring gak..

GJ - I cant agree with you more. That's why sometimes I feel guilty for sweating the small stuffs.. my being a neat freak has a lot to do with this unfortunately..

Din - i'm staying away from sopo blogging (only indulge in sopo commenting..) because there are a lot of good & knowledgeable sopo bloggers out there.. tokleh celeng..

ninotaziz said...

With couples more at liberty to walk away without the deafening stigma that comes with divorce, it is accepted that marriages today need more work than ever. Acceptance, more than tolerance, of each other's quirks and territories in exchange for pockets of happy existence. Kind of like a marriage work out.

Hubby, 11 years younger, trains hard to take his place as head of family with 5 daughters. I step back to release control. Well, the blissful days are worth it.

Thanks again for the huge dose of common sense.

I am told golfing together is good idea? And foreign language?

Kama said...

ninot - sometimes common sense is all we need to get back on track. and i subscribe to the old-fashioned notion of turning to faith in times of trouble. after having gone through a marital breakup, i wouldnt wish it on my enemy. it's too painful...

Kama said...

con't..

ah, golfing together. i tried but couldnt handle the heat. foreign language? good if you have the inclination, but for us the language of love suffices.. hehehe..

btw, tq for dropping by. [you've got a pretty lil girl..cutenya!]

ninot said...

Thanks! She is cute and so are her four other sisters. When I take them out - people tell me what beautiful girls I have ... and then stare at me long and hard.

Alas, it comes from their dads.

Divorce is a life-changing experience, some never recover. But I say - ada hikmahnya...and I thank God it worked out for me.

I will definitely drop by more often!

anak si-hamid said...

Dear Adik Kama,

How are you two, me duck? Sent you two messages direct via Google and New Message - but both were rejected. Must be me, boo hoo!

And what's this missive or mischief that you've got up your sleeve? We are old you know, cannot take too many shocks. BUT we're not quite 30 in our marriage - so there's still hope.

This here is our e-mail address. Can you please not publish it? Again it's because we're too old to cope with modern communication.
Iain actually prefers stamps and envelopes.
Our address mazhb44@gmail.com