Saturday, April 3, 2010

Oh Girl..

This particular posting is dedicated to all of you out there who are parents with growing daughters. It matters not how old the child is because a daughter, almost always, speeds through your life only to transform from a loveable cherub to a loathsome mini monster in the blink of an eye.

A major portion of a daughter's growing up years is usually dedicated to giving her parents heart palpitations. What differs from child to child is the degree of pain inflicted upon those sorry old geezers (that's us, lest you forget).

I'm not sure about fathers, but show me a mother who has NEVER shed tears due to her daughter's shenanigans and I'll propel your arms towards the nearest cemetery, or to a granite statue of Mother & Child. There isn't a single mother living who hasn't, believe me.

All mothers, at some point or other, cry buckets over their daughter's stinging words or offensive behaviour, intentional or otherwise. All soft-hearted daddies react more or less the same way too.

Some parents retaliate with a stinging slap that lands beautifully on the young lady's unschooled mouth. Then there are those who use cheap household everyday things as a launch missile; I guess it's because it doesn't hurt as bad and also cheaper to replace.

Others avoid getting physical but resort to raucous verbal sparring of ear-splitting screeches and screams, the kind that amply inform half the neighbourhood of your parent-child altercations.

Parents walk on eggshells with growing daughters in the house. Trouble is, you don't want them anywhere else no matter how annoying at times when they get under your skin! She's still your child and you love her, warts and all.

Unconditional love is what the following story's all about. I read with heaviness in my heart about drink stall hawker Normah Abdul Mutalib of Langkawi, whose youngest daughter Halimaton Abdul Rashid, 15, left the family home in Baling to be with her 19 year-old boyfriend.

Halimaton, a Kedah top scorer in Ujian Penilaian Sekolah Rendah (the primary school evaluation exam) 2007, was reported as missing and feared abducted, by her family on March 22. Understandably her mother Normah, a single mom, was beside herself with worry.

Six days after her case was widely reported in the papers, Halimaton contacted her mother, admitting that she had left on her own free will to be with her boyfriend. She was defiant, refusing to come home; instead she said she wanted to get married.

A meeting was arranged for all concerned at the Langkawi district police HQ in Kuah. The intended groom, his parents and relatives were also there. I could just imagine the tense situation, the stand-off.

The two-hour meeting was not without its share of shoving, jostling and screaming drama however. The 15 year-old, a true recalcitrant, even threatened to jump into the sea if she was taken back to Baling!

The papers reported Kedah Islamic Religious Department director Datuk Khairuddin Zin as saying under the Kedah Islamic Family Law Enactment 2008, a boy under the age of 18 and a girl below 16 could marry provided permission is granted by the syariah court.

One could feel the pain in the mother's voice when she said: "For her sake, I will give in to her demand. I don't know what else to say. I am very sad and very tired." My heart goes out to this ibu tunggal selling cold drinks at a stall trying to make ends meet.

I'm sure some of you mothers out there are bristling with anger, waiting to comment. I'm just as piqued but let's take a step back and inhale deeply. Yes, she seems unreasonable and yes, why the haste? Can't it wait until at least after Form Five?

Most of all, however, we feel for the poor mother. Sampai hati dia lukakan hati ibunya, right? Then again, let's not be judgemental and shoot our mouths unnecessarily especially if we have daughters of our own.

Divine retribution can be swift, so let's not tempt Fate. Instead, just say a prayer for both starstruck teenagers. May Allah swt raise their blinkers soon enough.

To Normah, may she be blessed with infinite patience during these trying times. I know I will be at a loss if this sort of thing befalls me. May we all be spared such heartache.

Patutlah orang tua-tua kata "Jaga lembu sekandang lebih senang daripada jaga anak perempuan seorang...."


jaflam said...

I may be wrong but she will regrat her whole life after the marriage. It doesn't seemed that the 19 yrs old boy and family make much attempt to stop her from her follish wish. She wanted to marry him because he is " Kacak " .... Hope the Jabatan Agama Islam will put sense on her, her boyfriend and family.

Sherry said...

As a daughter I have given my mom more than her fair share of tears and anger. I remember my angsty teenage years, always thinking that I was old enough to know, and it's my parents who are old-fashioned and did not understand me. Luckily for me, I still had enough sense to avoid anything that was as hazardous as marriage at 15 years old.

I hope that someone would be able to talk sense into her, to at least finish her studies before she gets married.

mekyam said...

hormones, that's what it is!

and it's bigger than all of us, princess. :D

perhaps the only thing any parents could do under such circumstances, esp muslim parents, is to ensure the sanctification and legalization of these idiots' desperate need to copulate.

however if they are prudent, imho the parents could impose on their children the following conditions:

1) the idiots should DEFER STARTING A FAMILY until they are earning their own income(s). in other words, PILLS, CONDOMS, UTERUS RINGS, IUDs, whichever, or even the works!

2) FINISH THEIR EDUCATION in order to ensure better income. i.e. NO QUITTING SCHOOL!

3) if they are not FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT of their parents, then the PARENTS WILL STILL HAVE A SAY in their life decisions, married or not!

this means that they should be told in no uncertain terms that they are getting their own way only because the parents are helpless against raging hormones and the imposition of religious laws and social mores.

BUT unless and until they are able to be financially independent and behave like adults, they will still be considered kids (who are legally allowed to have sex) and the parents will not tolerate any further stupidity from them! :D

Pat said...

Mekyam has taken my words out of my head and put them on this page!

So I have to echo: 'no money, no talk'! If they are not financially independent, and still need to live at home with either of their parents - then, the parents have the right to say, 'No'.

An obvious case, then, of not having your cake and eating it, too!

And I feel that that is true for both my girl and my boy: Get married only when you can afford the wedding, and the life-together afterwards. Until you can, I want only silence on the talk of marriage, etc.

And, no, I am not all-about-the-money. But it affords young minds (and bodies) the need to stop and think.

And perhaps it will cause them to pause and think of consequences before embarking on things asinine!

mumsie said...

I have 4 daughters, kak puteri...i'm scared!

NanaDJ said...

The poor girl will one day regret her actions. Like you my heart went out to the mother. I hope she will come to her sense before it is too late. Handsomeness does not last, hearthrobs can change into eyesores over the years. I actually shuddered at my own 'narrow escapes'. She will end up lamenting "Romeo Romeo where art thou???" (with apologies to Shakespeare and I know this is in the wrong context, nevertheless...)

MA said...
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MA said...
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Kama said...

Aikkk MA, whatever happened to your comment? Tadi ada now takder?

MA said...

Alamak - terhilang? I delete sebab ada typo...and I thot dah publish yang baru...aiyoma aiyopa...panjang lebar tadi. Sat nak bertapa ambil ilham and komen balik...

Kak Teh said...

puteri, My heart goes out to the mother too. When i read the story, I could imagine how broken she was top have to make that decision to let her daughter go. But we can always guide them so far and then the most aweful thing is when they go against us. Sometimes, it is not the actions but WORDS. But always, we pray that God ampun dosa mereka as our mothers prays the same for us, kan? i always tell my children, go read Nancy Friday's My Mother Myself.

MA said...

OK, komen balik.

Growing up, my Dad always reminds us that..setitis airmata ibu jatuh kerana hatinya terguris akan bergegar tiang Arasy.." and those words kept ringing in my mind and my head throughout my life. Now with kids of my own, I repeated the same words to them and hoped that Insya Allah it would have the same effect to their conscience as it did to mine.

I felt very sorry for the mother and can imagine the pride she must have felt when the girl was announced top scorer; and the hopes she must have haboured for the daughter to pave the way and lead the family out of poverty.

I think the girl need counselling to let her know the harsh realities of marriage. Failing which, she just needed a tight slap. Both sides. Sharp stinging slaps....

Ĺaptop™ said...

I would blast the "otak-letak-kat-lutut" bf of her out of this world.Period.

Kama said...

Datuk Jeff & Sherry - I share your sentiment. getting married at 15 is far too young. And she's a smart girl too, academically. she should think about school, not kawin.

Mekyam & Pat - Couldn't have put it any more succinctly. Yup, it's the hormones running wild. I wonder if they think beyond humping. Marriage is a BIG step, it comes with LOTS of responsibilities.

Mumsie - Honest to goodness, I feel for you. My mother and her husband (my stepdad) had five daughters and it was mega headaches all the way, until they finally got wed.

Nana - Looks fade over time. How long does she think the fellow will remain kacak? Aduii.. what a reason to give..

Kak Teh - You are spot on. Mothers always forgive, no matter what. And I agree about WORDS, they hurt like hell kan Kak Teh..

MA - Just like you, MA, I kept drumming into my kids' heads from young about the need to be respectful to their parents just as we had been to ours. Raising children under the current clime is so challenging. Filial piety seems to hv lost its shine..

Kama said...

Lap - wah, garangnya! you will scare many potential menantus away, lap :)

Ĺaptop™ said...

Normally saya tak garang lagu ni, tapi crita budak nie buat darah menyirap naik. Don't talk about menantu yet. Saya baru ada anak tekak, anak mata & anak telinga.

Ĺaptop™ said...

The Dato' YDP MAIK should had never mentioned the department's provision. He should instead use his common sense/judgement (budibicara) and help the mother regain custody of her love strucked child. The mother should also gather force & help and wrest the girl away. She is a minor and those people in langkawi are keeping her illegally. I say it is no time for a pow wow.

kay_leeda said...

My heart goes to the mother too. I have girls of my own, and at times kecut-kecut perut thinking of what lies out there.

Hope someone can put some sense into both the boy and girl. She's smart so would she deny herself chance for a better future. *sigh*

pakmat said...

..fathers cry, too..and marriage for a girl with potential will always be too early, whether after upsr, pmr, spm or college/university..more so to a single mother..for the mother(fathers,too) sees in her as a potential wage earner..someone who will one day bring in the dough in lieu of a missing father..(and where is the father? there is no mention at all about this guy who sowed his seed and left..)yet again, ppl of old married at another kampong boy of perhaps 18..and with helpful parents, learn to be independent and lived until anak and cucu of which, perhaps we r the cucus or cicits of such is just a matter of how u look at it..I have seen such degil and recalcitrant girls..insisting in getting married even bfore the results of exams are out..normally such marrieages have no chance to succeed..parental pressure is too great..they crumble after a child or two..leaving the child/children with the parents and the daughter/son carving out a fresh future..and to our mind, lesson learned..but couldn't it be nurtured and saved?..yes, I feel for the I have felt when one of my daughters insisted in getting married after her graduation to a mekyam said, they r idiots..but then, shouldn't we give the idiots a chance? our great-great grandparents were given?..just my say, lady..don't mean to cross the grain..but..cheers, all the same..:)

Kitchen Guardian said...

Kak Puteri,

Heart going through the same dramas wt my daughter....god's test!

Kama said...

Lap - Datuk tu play safe la Lap. Sat lagi ada pulak yg kutuk dia tak ikut prosedure. But I agree with you although I know it wont be easy kalau mak dia nak berkeras insist budak piang tu balik kerumah. dia nak kawin lap oi.. susah sungguh noo..

Kay - she's only 'sekolah' smart, not streetsmart. bab hormone dia kalah..

Pakmat - hehehe pakmat, i hv always like your 'against the grain' comments. 15 is far too young, under today's circumstances, to marry. dulu2 lain. my granny got married at 16, as was my mom. i agree that the girl's mother was hoping for her child to finish her studies properly so that boleh bantu keluarga in the future.. kesian maknya. bapak entah kemana lesap.

KG - good luck KG.. banyakkan bersabar..