Wednesday, March 18, 2009

She

She walked into my dream last night. It was so lucid I could almost touch her. She was oh so beautiful, her skin smooth and fair, her face shone with that unforgettable winsome smile of hers, and she looked much younger than the day she died.

She was clad in a shiny lime green dress with a black button at the back. I had never seen that satin dress before - I don't think she ever owned such a shiny tog in her entire life - but it was undoubtedly a pretty piece of work.

She walked through the front door accompanied by her husband. He was in a white shirt and brown pants and was holding a brown paper package in his hands. He looked just as good, his face smiling broadly.

So they came into the house, looked at me, and beamed. I woke up with a start. There were tears rolling down my cheeks. It was 4.17am.

Perhaps it's time I go plant that kemboja (frangipanni) tree at your grave. I have been thinking about it all along, but never really make an effort to do it.

Maybe I should take a drive down to Dungun and check out the house. I have been thinking about that too, but....
Maybe I need to touch a few of your things, Mak, to make sure your memory won't fade away...

I am sorry I wasn't by your deathbed when you were gone. But I was with you all the way from Kuala Lumpur, Mak.

If only I had left a little earlier, if only I had gone straight to the hospital, if only I had spoken to you before I left, if only... if only... if only...

I miss you so much sometimes it hurts real bad, Mak.....


Requiem for My Mother

17 comments:

Kak Teh said...

Puteri, this makes me want to go home now and be by her side. Al Fatehah.

mamasita said...

I share your weeping heart.I made the same mistake too. Did not arrive on time to be with her on her deathbed.Lambat pergi hospital..forever menyesal.
Take care.Kita mesti cuba selalu doa untuk kesajateraan ibubapa kita di alam barzakh.Mujurlah we never ceased to love and remember them.
We are good children afterall.

Pak Idrus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pak Idrus said...

Kama, that is why we must enjoy life and should never forget our past. If we had live a good life then our past would be as wonderful.

Remember "mothers hold their children's hands a while and their heart forever".

Smile and Have a nice day.

Pp said...

If only....yes, I live with my share of "if only too..."
She too left before I could arrive to be by her side, without me there to hold her hands....I came home when she was already gone ~ her eyes closed tightly, an unbroken smile on her face, and a farewell left unspoken. I had to hide away from everyone else...to have my last conversation with her, to seek comforting reassurance that it was ok ...that she would have understood...the reassurance which I so used to getting from her in the past, was not there for me that time!
I felt so alone for the first time...
so alone!
Mak, we could never find love like mak's love. Could we, Kama? could we!

need to go hide from my office colelagues now, tears welled up in my eyes. Oh Kama....*hugs*

MrsNordin said...

I think, you should go back to your Mak's house, even for a while. Or buat kenduri tahlil sikit for arwah.

Pp, your story is so touching..

Naz said...

Kak Puteri,
This morning, you make me sebak and wept for I too am still struggling with my strings of *if only*-s.
Sometimes it is good to let the tears flow.
Al Fatihah.

Zendra said...
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Anonymous said...

Kak,

I was with her throughout my life..even after my marriage even after 3 kids...she comes first..in any decision..

I had stayed with her..almost throughout my lifetime..

We were very closed..

She learned to read from me, she managed to spell her name..it was a memory ...a good one..

she learned how to read quran..from me..she managed to read until the 9th Juzuk..

we recite yassin together ..in her room..slowly..and regularly..

once she was diagnosed with cancer..and doctor gave her 3 months..

we started to fight..

she spitted out her food..that i cooked
she screamed at me
she turned her face away from me..when i visited her..

a day before...we made up..we cried..we hugged..we asked for forgiveness...

i hold her feet..kissed it.

but the day she was gone...i am away..very far away..

i did not managed to hold her hand when she drew her last breath..

why...why...why kak kama..

it is tormenting..

it is haunting..

it is killing me..

if i can trade 10 years of my life and 5 minutes with her..i will do it...

but years afters years..her face became clearer and clearer

her voices is sharper in my mind..

she is not gone..she is here..with me..very near me..

trust me

Anonymous said...

Puteri,

Balek-lah. Plant the pokok.

Al Fatihah.

JA

Zendra said...

Yes plant that tree, kama. Perhaps it'll give you the closure that you need. And, as was advised to me, whenever you feel longing for a loved one who has departed, sedekahkan al-fatihah, Insya Allah akan terubat kerinduan itu.

My late father appeared in my dream 10 years after his passing. In the dream he was a visiting dignitary whom I was welcoming. Upon both of us realising who we were, we hugged each other so tightly. It was so vivid I can still feel it now. And with a smile he said that he had been in Mekah all that time and had fully recovered from his illness while there. I awoke and felt a little bingung but with a sense of relief that maybe everything is forgiven between my father and me. He had passed away in 1993. I don't remember any dreams except this one.

Kama said...

Kak Teh - And soon you will be, Kak Teh. I know you'll come home to visit in the near future..

Mamasita - I prayed for her in Makkah, I prayed for her everywhere I could masa Hajj...

Pak Idrus - I am glad I hv a lot of good memories with her, despite the fact that we weren't that close initially.

Pp - Aah, Pp, what can I say.. I share your tears and your sorrow. "hugs" too..

Mrs N - Insyaallah nak buat soon.

Naz - It's good to cry every now and then. it cleanses the ducts.. :)

Anon - At least you were together from birth to death. Syukur..

JA - I hv to go back in June anyway, ada 50th school reunion in Dungun. Tapi my heart tak sabar nak balik.. nak feel Dungun air again.

Zendra - What a touching story. I am glad it happened the way it did.

ray said...

Komen Pak Malim, kucing ray yg alim.

Saya berkongsi kesedihan Puan. Masa mak saya meninggal tahun 2001, saya rasa amat sepi, kata Pak Malim sambil meminum secawan kopi. Ibarat orang lain tengok tv berwarna, saya nampak hanya hitam putih, kata Pak Malim sambil memeluk beruang putih. Saya fikir ramai orang sedih apabila kematian orang tersayang, kerana tahu, kita takkan dapat berjumpa orang itu, sehingga Hari Kiamat. Satu jangkamasa yg lama bagi hati yg kerinduan.

─╣aptop™ said...

Jangan bersedih more than 3 months lepas kehilangan/kematian orang yang tersayang sebab itu dah patolojikal.

Lebih baik jangan bersedih & berdoa banyak2 untuk roh dia.

At least kita tunjuk good example kepada yang masih hidup.

Jangan ikut style oarng yg suka meraung2 bila berlaku kematian.

Roh tu pun terkejut nak keluaq or not to keluaq.

kay_leeda said...

Kak Puteri,

Sesungguhnya yang pergi tak akan kembali lagi. We keep the memories together and pray untuk kesejateraan saudara-saudara kita yang telah mendahului kita.

Alfatehah.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Semoganya rohnya dicucuri rahmatNya..Kak Hajjah jgn lah bersedih,ok..

Tranquility said...

can't help from noticing one of the anony's comment:

"once she was diagnosed with cancer..and doctor gave her 3 months..".

Sigh. What is more important than how we die.. is how we live.

My empathy to you. Be strong.