Some really awful jokes & puns to lift your Monday blues..

- I asked for a Swedish Massage, but ended up with a Happy Finnish.

- One of my teachers at school was cross-eyed; he never could control his pupils. 

- Did you hear about the guy that went to a zoo that had no animals except a dog? It was a Shih Tzu.

- Where do cows buy their clothes? A Cattle Logue.

- I've written a song about a tortilla. Well, it's more of a wrap.

- Square: 'Why do you only have one round edge?' Circle: 'That's how I roll.'

- My wife left me yesterday because she says I am obsessed with metamorphosis.''But please Babe,'' I pleaded. ''I can change.''

- Got chatting to a very philosophical, obese monk earlier. He was a deep fat friar!

- Playing football today, the opposing goalkeeper said he'd kill me if I scored a goal. I wouldn't put it past him.

- I was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector. I had to turn it down!

- Some scientists at my local university have developed an invisible safety pin. To be honest I can't see the point.

- My bedside light turned into a butterfly this morning, That's the last time I buy a Larva Lamp.

- My wife got really pissed off today because I kept dropping random women's names into every sentence. I said, "Sue me."  

- Went to a fancy dress party last night as a loaf of bread! The birds were all over me..

- My friend cloned himself last year He's been beside himself ever since.

- About to pay a deposit on a well-earned holiday in the Romanian capital. I'm going to Bucharest!

- England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

- We'll never run out of math teachers, they are always multiplying.

- While in Mexico, the Chinese diplomat got a ticket for going the Wong way down a Juan way street.

- The lumberjack was so good with the chainsaw, he got promoted to branch manager.

- Why was World War One over so quickly? They were Russian..

- And why did World War Two take so long? They were Stalin!

- I saw a guy pickpocket a midget; how can someone stoop so low!

- What happened to the frog's car which was parked illegally? It got toad.

They just discovered who made King Arthur's round table. Apparently, it was Sir Cumference.