Friday, February 18, 2011

Revisiting Willy (Revised)

Nobody in his/her right mind gets hitched with the overt intention of splitting in the foreseeable future, unless if one is in it for a very specific purpose, like cina buta (but that's a story for another day).

And if you are well and truly insane, you have no business marrying. it's not even legit, in the first place. Your place is in a hospital psychiatric ward, or shelter for the mentally ill, and not a matrimonial home.

By the same token, if you have been too exuberant with your willy to the extent of impregnating your lady love (who happens to be someone's daughter), you have to pay the price by making an honest woman out of her.

You may not be too happy being held to ransom like this, but to all and sundry, how you feel doesn't count. You play, you pay. There's no free ride, unless you're riding the village bicycle, in which case I shall keep my mouth shut.

These disjointed thoughts bore on me as I stood amongst combs of newly-arrived Dole bananas in Jusco supermarket this morning, contemplating between pisang tanduk and pisang berangan for the house. Power of association, as always.

Be that as it may, it is safe to say that a great majority of us marry with the hope that the union will last till death do us part. To a select few, however, the script is revised to "till your empty pockets do us part."

It dawned on me how many couples I know have headed towards Splitsville these past ten years since I took a second plunge into marriage after giving 14 years of my life the first time around, only to see it hopelessly unravelled.

The subsequent 14 years were spent as a single mom raising four kids; good, fruitful years that made me realise single-parenthood, painful and heart-rending at times, could also be very rewarding.

Let's just put things in their proper perspectives. Getting married is good and staying married is better. But getting divorced is advisable if staying married doesn't seem like a viable option anymore.

And the earlier you cut your losses the better. Never use your children as an excuse ("we're still together because of the kids"). That's bollocks and you know it. Any which way the kids suffer and you know that too.

It's up to you to prolong their suffering (and yours too alongside), or to remedy the situation. Doing nothing only means you both are just too cowardly to face the truth and the inevitable.

There are many reasons for marital breakup, far too many in fact, with infidelity right there at the top of the totem pole and spousal abuse coming a close second.

[Wish I had held on to that darn newspaper clipping about the statistics; stowed them away for months with the intention of writing a related piece some day, but threw them away recently whilst spring-cleaning my trays, and now regretting it!]

What really prompted me to write this piece is a comment designed to hurt, made by a man who recently traded his wife of three decades for an SYT.

It's the same old crap, really, when a man said his decades-old marriage was a sham, that living with the wife had been hell, that she didn't care for him or love him enough. In other words, the old standby "My wife doesn't understand me."

I realise it's quite common for long-married (but not necessarily faithful) men to utter similar sentiments to their new, much younger love. And the idiot of a woman would swallow it, line hook and sinker, tearfully commiserating with him, not realizing what a great actor he was.

It's the kind of scene to be played again and again in the future, when one relationship ends and another begins. Only the bit player and supporting cast change; the leading man remains the same.

It's fine to be deceitful and play the field for all it is worth. No one can stop you. After all you only have yourself to answer for it when the time comes. You will be held accountable in front of Him, so be it.

All your lying and conniving will then be laid bare for His judgement. Then again, who gives a rat's arse about God and stuff when they are in the deepest throes of lust? (I don't think 'love' justifies it).

I am of the opinion that all things considered, warring or divorced partners (myself included) should never deny there were good moments in their erstwhile marriage. Only a hypocrite would.

Those years couldn't have been all bad. After all, we did produce a string of kids, didn't we? We certainly were on speaking terms when we were humping away, were we not?

So stop lying through your teeth! Give credit where credit is due. Once upon a time we were in love, and then for whatever reason, that love died. It was that simple. Just admit it and move on.

The root of the matter, really, is that men in general find it hard to be faithful. One is never enough. Variety is the name of the game.

They may chortle and say; "Alah, benda tu, sama aja semua" to cover their thoughts and actions, but reality begs to differ; benda tu are not the same. Therein lies the curiosity. It's Pudenda Power, and these men know it.

I have a bit of advice for those ladies who have been cast aside by erring spouses and now hopelessly adrift. Wake up to reality. Let the fleabags go, for they don't love you anymore. If they do, they wouldn't have hurt your feelings.

They wouldn't have laid with other women, even if they had harboured intentions to, or had dreamed it. Thinking about it and doing it are two different things. They would have honoured their marriage vows despite all the temptations.

To him, you are history. So accept it, rise above the occasion and move on. Show him you are in full control of your destiny. Let him know that his departure is a blessing and not a blight.

There are better things out there for the taking. Heck, for all your know, darn better willies too! Remember, you too have the power - Pudenda Power - and it will come in handy one fine day, believe me.


Wan Sharif said...

Agree with you..
There are better things out there.
Accept it and move on.

melayudilondon said...

Wow, Kak Kama, a powerful and emotive post.

For most parts, when men utter the words "My wife don't understand me...", what they meant is "My wife don't understand that I need to shag something else.

MA said...

Well said Kak Puteri.

To these women, move on and take revenge in the best possible way~ that is to live well.

mamasita said...

Puteri..I HAVE moved on and I accept my fate that I am not wanted anymore after all the humpings and the bunch of kids.
Of course there were countless sweet moments but they can only be cherished if the divorce was handled nicely.

The agony of being just discarded without proper settlement can make the divorce become really bitter..I'm sure you know that.

And so, I do expect the father to be still responsible for his children and the household bills as promised!

Being a fulltime housewife, to immediately say I am financially well-off is a huge bluff.
No divorce settlement?
Fine...but for the children's interests my fight is marching forward in full blast!
Thanks Puteri..
Just to correct you a bit..she is 6 years older than my eldest.
And I wish they'd get married quickly!
He wanted the divorce so that he can make a decent women out of her.
And I accept!
But..the children's interests MUST come first!

Shahieda said...

I just LOVE your candid way of putting things Sis Puteri! Just as it is.... take it or leave it :)

Yes, it's very traumatic and very heart sore when a marriage ends, especially if there's another involved. Even more traumatic if there isn't and the pair are just too stubborn to work things out.

My marriage ended at the ten year mark, my youngest was almost 2 years old. And my world literally crumbled! But I held on fast with the support of my family. It's now 10 years down the line and I'm quite hesitant to settle down because of what I see.

I have never and will never encourage someone who has left his wife to marry me!! I've been approached on occasion and refused point blank!! What makes me think these men would be faithful to me?? At the end of the day if the 'other woman' didn't encourage it in the first place, these break ups wouldn't happen, no??? Or am I just being naive in my thinking??

Aishah said...

You've said it all.

─╣aptop™ said...

♫♪♫♪ Once upon a time we were falling in love, now we are falling apart! ♫♪♫♪.
Mana ntah besa dengaq this line.

Kama At-Tarawis said...

Lap - tu lagu 'total eclipse of the heart' by bonnie tyler.

Kama At-Tarawis said...

folks, i get pissed off when people rubbish their previous marriages. every marriage has its merits and demerits and we should not be blinded by hatred to only see the faults.

tireless mom said...

3 cheers to kak Puteri!!

koolmokcikZ said...

well said kama

totally totally agree with you ... his departure is a blessing indeed.

pakmat said... dont have me in mind when you posted this..:)

Kama At-Tarawis said...

Yatt & KoolM - danke schon!

Pakmat - naah, you are beyond redemption! hehehehe

Mutiara said...

Most times I pity the children who take most of the brunt of a failed marriage.

Kama At-Tarawis said...

You couldn't have been more right, Kak Sal. i am all too aware that it took a toll on my kids; for the longest time they rebelled in more ways than i could remember.

Miz Love said...

Well-said Puteri. You articulate it so well.
Yes. Dah divorce tu stop back-biting your ex-wife. People will look down on you more.
They will wonder what were you doing with her all this while with five or 7 kids.
Tiba-tiba pula mengutuk the mother of your children.Takkanlah sekarang bau busuk dulu bau bunga.
Such men are scum of the earth.
They can roast in hell.


Please open your blog like Puteri do. For some reasons, we don't like to disclose our name and our e-mail.
You can always delete the ones who came to post evil comments.
My friends and I always read your postings. We shed tears for you and the kids.
We like to post comments too. Dont have your e-mail to write to you.
Cannot believe a man who seems to be so critical are open to critciism as well.
Continue trashing him sampai dia malu. I did taruk him in in his blog on his treatment of you, but of course he deleted it.
Sue him for all he's worth. Meantime get a job. By the way you write well. so you can easily get a job.
Educate your kids well. One day they will be somebody and your ex-hubby will regret not taking care of them.
Let him have his way now. Bila dah nak nazak baru nak cari you and anak-anak minta ampun.
This has happened to most men who left their wives.
That bitch will not want to care for him when he dah tak dapat jaga kencing dan najis.
Please do remember that we women are always on your side.

VersedAnggerik said...

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Well Said!