Friday, November 20, 2009

Friday Rant - The Pecker Package

What is it with men, especially married ones, vis-a-vis janda (whatever category she may fit in; single mom, childless, old, young, berhias or otherwise..)? What exactly is a janda's selling point or pulling power?

That she has been through the grind and so knows what 'it' is like and now that she isn't getting any she must be desperate? And so deprived is she that she must be an easy enough lay?

Some years ago, the religious department of a particular Malaysian state put forth a proposal so off-putting that even today it still rankles me to mention it. I came across the article while sorting out my cuttings recently, thus this long-overdue rant.

It had proposed a RM1,000 cash incentive to any man, married or otherwise, willing to take on a janda as a wife. I guess if a man wants to fulfil the four-wife quota, he can marry three at one go and make a tidy RM3,000 at the same time. Good bargain eh?

Whoever came up with this insulting idea should be given a kick in the groin. Please don't counter with the worn argument that it was proposed with the best of intentions. If you have the janda's interest at heart, you would offer the money to her instead, so that she could use it for her family.

For many, if the choice comes down to man or money, they would take the money. What guarantee does the janda and her kids have that their welfare will be taken care of, not when he gets a wife-plus-cash package deal for his pecker without spending a single sen?

Being an alumnae of Jandahood myself, I can tell you with absolute certainty that half the time single moms are so turned off by men that they don't want to have anything to do with them anymore. Of course we all have our own specific reasons for it.

I was on track for single-momhood and wasn't in the least worried about remaining a janda until I breathe my last, when jodoh came a-calling. Whilst it wasn't my call, I accepted what God had in store for me for He Knows Best, and I am thankful to have a kind-hearted man to share my life with in my autumn years.

I read somewhere that spousal abandonment is the main reason for jandahood among Muslim mothers in this country. Simply put, the husband just ups and leaves, leaving the wife to struggle alone. Child support? Not a sen.

And if she goes to Syariah Court to demand child support, she'd better be prepared to wait until her kids finish college before she can get a judgement, if she is lucky, that is. Half the time, that sorry excuse of a father would just ignore court order to present himself, or to pay.

So where does that leave her? The kids still have to be clothed, fed and schooled and the bills still have to be paid. And so the single mom slogs on, alone, getting herself into mounting debts along the way - hutang sana hutang sini - to keep the family afloat.

It's the same old story, then and now. Why is it so hard for these Muslim men to be responsible fathers? It's fine if he no longer wants to see the back of his erstwhile spouse for whatever reason, but those innocent kids are still his...

30 comments:

Pi Bani said...

Am not an alumni of Jandahood, but being an Andalusia is not that easy either. Some people tend to think we are so desperate for a life partner, it doesn't matter laki orang ke, tua ke, muda ke, siapa ke, semua boleh!

But yes, the idea of the cash incentives for any man willing to marry a janda is indeed an insult to all the jandas out there. I wouldn't want to kick the balls of the person who came up with the idea (nanti orang kata I gatal pulak... dah le andalusia, gatal nak menendang ke situ pulak!) but I wouldn't mind using a lastik... ;)

NanaDJ said...

Puteri,
The trouble with some men is that they think Janda and Andalusia (thats new to me Pi Bani), are free for all and so hard up that they will marry any men who are willing to do so or worse ready to just have a good time with them. Can you blame the ladies when in that situation they prefer to be in the company of gays - at least they have a handsome/good looking walker who will accompany them to functions and have all the other girls (and some men)drooling over their escort plus no complications (and safe).
Nowadays we have lovely, well educated and high powered professional janda and Andalusia who can survive on their own and would rather remain one instead of finding another headache/burden. The person who come up with that idea are definitely out of date!

Mrs Kamil said...

Aunty, selalunya it is the case of keluar mulut harimau masuk mulut buaya. When u remarry, what guarantee is there your new husband can actually take care of u ? If the RM 1000 is the incentive to marry u, then sah-sah lah tak mampu kan ?

Anonymous said...

If the husband left the wife who is richer than him, must he support the family if he can't afford it? If the children are over 21 must the poor husband also provide support?

Anonymous said...

Anon,

Wife richer or not is not an issue....responsibility is still responsibility..isnt it the responsibility of the father to sara hidup anak2?...if u cukup duit utk mkn dan minum, makna nya u jugak cukup duit utk menyara hidup anak2 u...and pls...we are not talking abt kids over 21....

_deli said...

Salam Kak Puteri,

Here's a good one, though menyimpang sikit; heard it over the radio on the way to work today. The kid is 4, the parents were divorced before the kid is even born.

Kid been asking about the father and knew of his existence. Mother been asking the father for permission for the meet. Father declined. Nafkah tu, tak tahu pulaklah. Excused - Bini baru tak kasi dan tak suka.

Sure! Blame it on the womenfolk, right! Tapi rasanya tak payahlah bersusah-susah nak kick his balls for I doubt he has (n)one.

Fathers out there, tolong buat tolonglah tanggung.

Kak Ezza@makcik Blogger said...

seronok baca rntry ni dan jugak komen komen tu sekali....I ve nothing to say...semua dah ada dalam komen2 tu..hahahaha

─╣aptop™ said...

You're blessed.

".....and I am thankful to have a kind-hearted man to share my life with in my autumn years."

This is a rare & endangered species.

Anonymous said...

Anon 11:36,
Lets say the wife is earning RM20,000 a month and the husband is struggling in business, tough to make ends meet. Appreciate your comment on this scenario.

Anonymous said...

Saya ni di alam Jandahood since 2001. Kicked the guy out of my life sebab dah jadi parasit. Kerja tak nak, selera "Selera Raja". Harap bini tanggung untuk hidup mewah. Bapak dia pun sama. Nak rumah cantik, suruh anak kikis bini. Nak pergi Mekah pun suruh anak kikis bini. Siap suruh anak pukul bini lagi bila bini tak nak beri duit. Kahwin dgn India yg minta dowry pun tak teruk macam tu. Berita terbaru I heard, the Mom (my xMIL) dah gila. My ex tengah kena kejar Along. My xFIL masih tak sedar diri menyombong. Masa nak tendang my ex from my life punyalah susah. Pejabat Agama bukan nak tolong isteri lepaskan diri dari suami bacul macam tu. Sokong lagi suami tu. Last, last ambil gambar tengah dating dgn satu Mat Saleh (my classmate masa kat U. Bini dia yg ambil gambar-gambar tu. Paling susah nak tahan gelak sebab nak dapatkan rupa romantik. Ha, ha, ha...). Lepas tu hantar copies to my ex, his family, his lawyer and the stupid Ustaz at the Pejabat Agama. Baru dapat lepas. Dah tu I cabut kerja overseas sebab they all tak habis-habis mengacau. Mak, Bapa, adik-beradik I semua they all kacau. Iyalah. Sumber kewangan mereka dah tak ada. Cilaka punya family. Adik-adik kalau nak kahwin, hati-hati. Bila tengok macam kita jer nak kena keluar duit... CABUTTTT!!!!

Sue - Janda yang happy menjanda. Syukur Alhamdulillah.

Kama said...

Pi - unfortunately that's the general perception of jandas and andalusias - very sexist, very myopic and naturally very unfair.

NanaDJ - there are 4 things we should teach our daughters:
1) get the best education possible 2) do not marry in haste because you may end up repenting at leisure
3) if a marriage breaks down and there is no way to mend it, get out. being a janda is not something to be ashamed of.
4) try not to be too dependent on one's husband. keep your own savings, try not to have everything jointly. it's not your job to provide for the family; it's his.

Mrs Kamil - yep, a man who accepts money as an inducement to marry a janda this way is not man enough, sorry to say. kalau dia jantan, dia akan kawin dengan niat yg betul, tanpa monetary inducement.

Anon 11.24 - my understanding of islam in this matter is: it doesn't matter if the wife is filthy-rich. it's the duty (read tanggungjawab) of the husband to tanggung keluarga. as for the kids' age, 21 is never a benchmark in islam.. tu orang puteh punya benchmark. selagi anak sekolah, bapak kena tanggung, bila dah kerja, habislah responsibility bab itu. for daughters, selagi belum kawin, it's the father's responsibility to support her.

Anon 11.36 - agreed.

Deli - ni yang susahnya. laki takut bini. kenapa suami mesti takut kat isteri? ikkut hukum pun, isteri yg kena ikut cakap suami (tapi tak perlu ikut kalau dia suruh buat benda yg menyalahi agama).

Ezza - hehehe, seronokkan baca macam2 komen ada..

Laptop - alhamdulillah, syukur seadanya.

Anon 2.23 - wah, banyaknya gaji! Still, tanggungjawab ditangan suami but there is no harm in isteri helping out. bab ni kenalah bincang baik2. I know ada jugak isteri yang "tak kasi can langsung" kat struggling husbands.. kesian kawan tu..

Kama said...

Heheh Sue - at the risk of incurring the wrath of some men out there, I am happy for you. Jandas are among the most resilient of people...

Kak Teh said...

Puteri, Sometimes I am rendered speechless when I read what's being said in the media. One example is the oath, then now the payment to jandas...it is so demeaning in this day and age people still think like that?

Tommy Yewfigure said...

Puteri, all good men are either married or r gay..heheh.

An elderly janda sniffed with disdain when asked why she didn't marry.

"I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes & a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?"..muahaha!

Cheers,

Tommy

P/S - Men normally got the words 'liberated' & 'free' mixed up, true?

Tommy Yewfigure said...

Puteri, all good men are either married or r gay..heheh.

An elderly janda sniffed with disdain when asked why she didn't marry.

"I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes & a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?"..muahaha!

Cheers,

Tommy

P/S - Men normally got the words 'liberated' & 'free' mixed up, true?

MA said...

Kak Puteri:

Haha..I have nothing to add to what has been said here. Cuma I kesian lah kat mangkok hayun yang bersusah payah boleh keluarkan pemikiran pasal incentive tu. Is that the best he can think off?

Pendeknya pemikiran dia sependek *pecker* dia agaknya! Kirim salam lah banyak-banyak...potong kasi anjing pun anjing tak hingin.

the witch's broo said...

Kama,

doesn't it sicken you?
they've got it all wrong, in their twisted and demented mind.

Typhoon Sue said...

Oh, there's a Janda Sue here. So, here comes Andalusia Sue pulak, hahaha
Pi bani, I like this new terminology la. Very de classy one! :-)

My mom's a balu since I was 2 years old. but a 'balu' in our society is 'janda' still. I saw the challenges she faced when I was growing up, especially from horny old men who fancied her, and their jealous wives who could no longer keep up with their gatal hubbies. My mom, thankfully, never gave those people the satisfaction of proving them right. In fact, most of them fell flat on their faces. I so admire my mom for all that.

Agree with Pi Bani, being an andalusia is not any easier than being a janda. Ppl always remind me that the clock is ticking. WHAT CLOCK??? The biological clock, they say,.. "Find one soon while u're still in your child-bearing years" ... Bodoh... who says I want kids in the first place? Dumb-ass

And then, the same ppl who are pestering us to get married and settle down and have kids, would cast suspicious glance at us and their hubbies or sons,... lagi bodoh

If there is jodoh, then fine, go down that road. But if there's none, we are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves. It's a lot easier when you don't have to take care of a big 'baby'

I read this somewhere:
A man was asked why he is not married.
He said, "Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?"
The same question was asked of a woman and she said, "Why buy a whole pig for just a little sausage?"

amish said...

Hahaha, awesome entry and comments, Puteri...

I'm so glad i'm single (this aint a promo)

Pak Idrus said...

Kama, I am as disgusted as you with that proposal but than that is the psyche of some of our so called leaders. Tunisia has ban Polygamy. Maybe Malaysian women should start a process toward that as well. Take care.

Anonymous said...

I genuinely don't understand. How is the position most of the commentators here have taken in line with Islam which allows a man four wives and tolerates the subordination of women to men? I'm not referring to men cruising around for divorced women (that's wrong), but rather the role of women in Islam.

Is there a progressive denomination in Islam which preaches complete male-female equality (like in the West)? And a stict by-the-books sect that's in power today and is able to get its agenda across?

O dear! This is a conundrum.

Kama said...

Kak Teh - yup, this is what happens when people profess to be more Islamic than others. For every argument there is always a counter argument lengkap with quotations from the Quran & Hadith to defend it; sadly, according to their own interpretation to suit the purpose.

Tommy - I can vouch for the gay ones but I shall not commit myself re the married ones..lol.. there are quite a few whom I know, who have wandering eyes, Tommy. It's just a matter of time before other parts begin to wander as well..

MA & TWB - Watodo, the akal of such people is still ditakuk lama despite tremendous progress.

Sue - don't you just like the term Andalusia.. there's a nice ring to it. Your mom is a shining example of a single mother (divorced or widowed) who overcame all odds to make life better for her kids. I have nothing but admiration for such people.

Amish - hehehe, I can vouch for your "singleness".. a hensem young man like you, bila lagi?

Pak Idrus - Insofar as polygamy is concerned, I think banning it goes against what God has dictated in the Quran. Having said that, a great majority of those who practise it did not go into it sebab nak bela janda and anak yatim (yang I tengok ramai yg kawin anak dara/single women jauh lebih muda pada bini). That alone dah menyalahi apa yg Allah benarkan. The issue of fairness (disebut dalam Quran) pun diambil ringan. yang diutamakan sexual fulfilment & lust. so how?

Kama said...

Anon

As Muslims we are bound by God's word. God IS fair, even when He dictates a man is allowed up to four wives. You have to know and study that particular verse to understand why it is so. It's the common man who interpret the verse to suit his own need. God didn't say "go marry 4 wives!" Practising polygamy is allowable under special circumstances. the trouble is, man takes the portion that says 'you are allowed to marry up to four..." and conveniently forget the rest which begins with IF YOU.... Men dont want to know the IFs.

To answer your second Q, women emjoy equal status with men in Islam in moire ways than one. it's how the word of God is interpreted that makes a difference. because the interpreters are mostly men... you get my drift.

Anyway, I am no islamic scholar and my knowledge is sorely limited, so i would appreciate comments from the learned ones..

leen_arynna said...

Salam ma..

At the age of 32 I cannot run away from people asking me "Bila nak kawen".In our society,any unmarried women at the age of >30 are classified as andalusia...Nowadays it is very common to look around and find women who have chosen to stay single regardless with their status as janda or anak dara.There are many reasons why women stay single, including health factor, not having to deal with cheating men, and expanded career options.Past relationships with men who cheat is one of the reasons why women stay single. Getting into a relationship where men cheat is extremely hurtful and difficult to handle. If a woman chooses to remain single, she does not have to go through lessons learned the first time around.So to me, it's very insulting for giving an incentive to those who're willing to marry janda.The "maruah" is not the price of RM1000!!

Kama said...

Leen - I can identify with what you have just said. I have a daughter who recently celebrates her 30th birthday; she has everything going for her; good job, good friends, family support. she says she'll marry when the right man comes along.. As a mother I pray to God that will happen.. soon. Jodoh ni ditangan Tuhan.

Yes, offering cash incentive to men to induce them to marry janda insults the dignity of women in general and jandas in particular.

kay_leeda said...

RM1000 just to marry a janda? What kind of an equation is that? Love (err...lust) = RM? I bet you even the jandas out there wouldn't want to entertain such stupid ideas. Boleh blah, I'm sure they'd say. Tak kawin pun can get more than that. Plus NO HEADACHE and HEARTACHE. What an insult!!

─╣aptop™ said...

Excuse me.
You just shot from the hip after your encounter with "..the article ..It had proposed a RM1,000cash incentive to any man, married or otherwise, willing to take on a janda as a wife."
As expected, an avalanche of men-bashing is hard to avoid.
You should sock it back to that particular religious head (maybe you find it a time-wasted affair).
This is a typical case of sekoq kerbau bawa lumpoq, habis semua terpalit. He was really a kerbau! Masih banyak lagi kerbau-kerbau yang dagingnya elok dan you boleh buat kurma untuk nikmati (kelazatannya).

Satu perkara lagi.
You maybe an anak dara/andalusia
/anak teruna/anterlakaw/janda/duda.
To tie the knot in holy metrimony is a gamble. Even if you berchinta macam nak rhakkk betaon2, there is no guarantee your marriage will be a bed of rose. Demi nak jadi umat you get married and gamble. When a marriage crumbles, both parties (and sometime a 3rd party acts as the catalyst) play the important determining roles.
Since it is a gamble, don't fret when it fails. Put on back your poker face, gamble again if you want and carry on with life.

A friend of mine told me there are two grades of janda, "Grade A" and "Grade D". I suppose the selling or the pulling point of a janda depends on her grade. Initially I garuk kepala trying to make out what it all meant. Now I'm wiser. Thanks to her.

Kepada yang 1st time nak menikah atau nak menikah semula, ingat ini.

Marriage is a two-ring circus.
1. The wedding ring and
2. The suffering.

The first one fits in perfectly well.
The second...... mintak simpang!!!

(Hope my Saturday rant can keep up with Kama's)

MY HOMESTAY said...

Kak Puteri..bila agaknya tarikh pameran itu nanti? I am going to update in PESENI's blog..

Deen

Kama said...

lap - hahahaha.. seronok jugak baca your rant..

deen - seminggu selepas pameran sempena ulangtahun harijadi sultan.

MY HOMESTAY said...

ok..Kak Puteri, dapatkan tarikh seminggu selepas hari keputeraan itu, hari keputeraan pada 10 April 2010..rasanya kalau seminggu iaitu pada 17hb hingga 19hb kan? tengok dulu dan bagi tahu saya, tarikh itu nanti tidak boleh lagi ditukar, PESENI akan akur dengan tarikh Mediabiz..harap maklum!