Monday, May 18, 2009

The Slimming Ordeal

Reality

Glory days (yours truly second from left)


Let's face it; all women are vainpots. It's just the degree of vanity that dfferentiates one from the other. Even this old self, by any account pretty comfortable with her crow's feet and sagging skin, is sometimes overwhelmed by sudden pangs of insecurity.

For a greater part of my life, I was slim and trim, not an ounce above 160 pounds (ideal for my height at 5ft 6 inches), thanks to an overload of nicotine and caffeine.

As a journalist, I led a very unhealthy lifestyle, puffing some 40 sticks of cigarettes a day and drowning myself in copious cups of coffee.

Then, I could go without food but couldn't survive without cigarettes. After 25 years of smoking, I thought I could never wean myself off those cancer sticks, but I did. Six years ago I quit cold turkey and haven't touched one since.

And then there were the occasional wine and other liquors. I had been drinking socially since my 20s but managed to lay off liquor for good many years ago by staying away from temptation.

I found a healthier (and saner) life without 'rokok' and 'arak', syukur Alhamdulillah. The only snag is that my weight balloons; "Macam kena pam!" as someone close commented so tactlessly. Nothing could be further from the truth though.

Spreading middle is something many of us have to contend with once we reach middle age. The lucky ones spared this blight usually are already stick thin to begin with.

Perhaps it's in the genes. One look at my Megat forefathers where most of the men tower above six feet and the women built solid like a brick house (presumably to withstand the Megat male shenanigans), and I know I shall never be the petite, dainty lass clamoured by so many.

I reckon 'pleasantly plump' would be the kindest way to explain my physical disposition. But I also know I'm in danger of being a real fat-ass (Actually I already am, just exercising my prerogative to deny it) if I am not careful with my diet.

Then again, ample derriere is something I can cope with; after all, I have always appreciated the 'tonggek'ness of those salt-of-the-earth African women.

They, and not the likes of that obnoxious Naomi Campbell or Iman or other such reed-thin, emaciated-looking black models who would not look out of place in Darfur or Biafra, are the real deal.

At some point last year I was overcome with the need to regain my lost youth. It was truly pathetic, I know; all because I looked into the mirror and saw a grossly-out-of-shape half-centurian with shockfuls of grey hair and folds of excess fat.

It was such a horrible sight that I sped off like a woman possessed to a slimming centre at The Curve, harbouring high hopes of returning to 36-24-36 of yesteryears and fitting into a single digit sized dress all over again. (At this point, you can all chorus, "Dream On, Woman!")

It was my first and last visit. It was so unnerving that I swear I won't come within ten feet of a slimming centre ever again, even if someone pays me to lose weight.

If at all, I shall do it the time-honoured way, by exercising and eating a proper diet. Please don't ask me if this (the exercising, I mean) will ever happen. Writing it down while munching Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies laden with pecan and hazelnut is already half the battle won.

After the preliminaries i.e. filling in the many forms given, I was issued a small piece of rolled 'thingy' (it looked like a colourful popiah) which I later discovered was disposable panties.

I was to strip to the barest minimum (leaving just the bra) and somehow wriggle my way, fat-ass and all, into this bit of 'kain perca'. I unrolled the 'popiah' and gasped.

Could this teeny weeny 'thing' cover my uhm... modesty ... on two counts? It was smaller than a lady's laced handkerchief and could hardly cover my palm, let alone.... oh, never mind.

Anyway, peeled off my kurung I did, and there sat I in a room in this almost naked state, pouch hanging dejectedly, while a girl who looked younger than my own daughter took my measurements (with a straight face, thankfully).

I can't remember much of the first treatment, except that I was asked to sit in a hot, steamy cubicle for an eternity (I nearly fainted from the heat). The next treatment was to lie motionless for the longest hour of my life, strapped in a straitjacket-like apparel, while the steaming continued.

When the whole ordeal was over, I looked like a lobster and felt like a steamed kerapu (garoupa). I was to go through the same treatment for 20 times and pay through my nose before all the excess fat could be burned off.

"No thanks", said I hastily as I fled as fast as my thunder thighs could carry, taking off into the sunset, love handle wobbling and pouch hanging ....


PS: Pak Abu, when related this story, said: "You look ok, what... Where got gemuk?" That man really knows how to 'cari makan'.

Also, I think he was thankful he had just saved a big chunk of cash that he was willing to turn a blind eye on my 'montel'ness.



31 comments:

Pi Bani said...

Looked like a lobster and felt like a steamed kerapu? Wonder what you tasted like then... hehehe...

kay_leeda said...

Kak Puteri,

With all the adverts in papers showing how slim one gets after the treatment, who wouldn't be running to these centres?? Ummppp....temptations..temptations!!!

My stand on this is, eat well, exercise regularly (which I hardly do..grrr) If tak jd jugak, belasah je lahh.....baju tak muat, well, got good reason to go shopping la :))

Raden Galoh said...

Akaaaakkkk... you surely can take this matter lightly... I read you with all the sengeh I have on my face and your experience took me down to my memorylane... to marie france body line...hahaha... i wasn't steamed but was covered with an icy bandage all over my body... shivering, beku like air batu kak!

Hahaha... frankly, the kurus-ing tak terdelete dari kamus hidup I kak... sapalah taknak kurus and have the figure cantik kan?

Anonymous said...

Ha, ha, ha.... Kak, I pun try gak macam U. Tak jalan pun. Perabis duit jer. Anyway try yg ni pulak. Works for me! Bila Minum air kosong, campur sikit asam limau. Jadikan minuman 'ruji'. Juga kalau teringin minuman panas, minum green tea. Before makan nasi, bedal buah-buahan dulu. I dan cuba for the past 2 yrs+. Dari 70+ kg sekarang dah 57 kg. Lutut pun dah tak sakit. Alhamdulillah. BTW, I tak diet + senam pun malas and umur dah 40 lebih.

Kiah

Capt's Longhouse said...

try this water treatment to remain healthy and slim !,,,drink one big bottle of water 1st thing in the morning and carry on drinking water bila rasa lapar which you won't bcas the tummy is already full of water.
NOTE; monitor your air kencing, it should be clear like the water you been drinking. If so, the treatment is working !. Easy try it out for 1 x month and check your weight, mata akan cerah, keredut pon hilang dan tak akan rasa pening pening.
Continue with water treatment until you get used to drinking lots and lots of water as natural habit.
It works for me and my wife,,,,we both lost our weight and very healthy nowadays. Belajar ini di India dari Yoga Guru 3 x years back.
Exercise kena buat juga, pergi-lah berjalan jalan tiap hari yaaaa. Or ikut Boss main golf O.K. ,,,,am sure he will be very happy to coach you too.

Tommy Yew said...

Hello Puteri,

Ahhh this is a trick question kan? like; ‘Do I look fat in this dress?’ No lah Puteri, u look lovely the way u r., fit u like a glove. Hehehe…it’s ok to tell little white lies every now & again, betul ka?

Next karaoke session we sing Joe Tex hit, ‘Ain’t gonna bump no more with no big fat women,’ ok?

Cheers,
Tommy
P/S - On a serious note, u do look 'hot' in your glory day.

mamasita said...

hahahahaha
you're superb in making people laugh on a very 'serious' topic!

I love your honesty and no-holds barred kind of confessions!

You are a beautiful lady already..inside!

Yeah..you're one first class MAS lobster! Smiling your gigi away sampai passengers tak jadi makan!

MrsNordin said...

Let me put it this way, just think that you are happy and contented with life right now. Then you won't feel so bad about the weight gain.

Actually, I'm feeling the same way. Wish I could get back my 36-28-38 figure with a blink of an eye!

And those slimming centres, been there done that. They don't work unless you watch what you eat and exercise!

Aida said...

Kak Puteri,

Oh we are so much alike hahahaha ok, am devouring a balang of keropok 'Gganu while typing this...... my size if off the charts.... which depresses me while looking for wearable clothes..... the only thing which stops me from going to one of those centres is that I rather be spending the dosh on my kids, and I could starve myself for free anyway (but I don't).

How la to selim melim balik like bujang days.... so u are not alone dear.

tireless mom said...

Hi Kak Puteri

I think Pak Abu is right. That is natural what. Kurus at this age tak mengancam lah pulak. Curves, that is the real woman.

Queen Of The House said...

Haahaahaaa!!! I would have fled at the first sight of the "rolled popia" thingy! Tak kuasa I nak expose myself like that. Biar gemok pun tak apa!

ray said...

Komen Pak Malim, kucing ray yg alim.

Tak tahu lak Kama pernah hisap rokok, kata Pak Malim sambil melambai dari atas pokok. Tahniah kerana berhenti, kata Pak Malim yg duduk di Pusat Serenti. Kama seorang yg anggun, dulu dan sekarang, kata Pak Malim sambil memegang parang.

Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with having a lot of curvy beef.

Derebar

VersedAnggerik said...

look at it this way...

there's more of U for Pak Abu to love!

and, at this age, kalau kurus sangat pun nampak haggard dan tua. A little bit of flesh lends the illusion of youthfulness, especially on the cheeks!

Salt N Turmeric said...

Kak Puteri, im not sure if its the fat tht was 'loss' during the heat treatment. Im pretty sure its the water and thts why the result is immediately i.e. there and then.

Farina pun sejak quit smoking ni (after 21yrs) memang weight gain out of control! :(

Naz said...

My stand....makan je lah apa nak makan (i'm trying to cut down sugar, salt and oily stuff) and *you gotta move it, move it!* :D
Kak Puteri, you are so manis ... tak payah nak kuruskan badan, nanti nampak cengkung dan tak larat sangat pulak!

Kama said...

Pi - Hehehe Pi, sedap punya!

Kay - Thise adverts are acute reminders that once upon a time, we were young and slim.. *sigh*

RG - my niece went to marie france bodyline to slim down masa nak kawin. it worked for her. she paid 6k and lost 20lbs. lepas kawin gained more than what she had lost!

Kiah - I heard green tea tu bagus because it also acts as a detoxifier. Must try.

Capt - You are absolutely right, Drinking lots of water is the best. I know I don't drink enough, asyik reached out for coffee aja..

Tommy - In oldschool speak, Tommy, 'hot' is "bergetah" i.e. still got sap. now all shrivelled and dried oledi mah..

Mamasita - I ni memang katun sikit pun, Mamasita. nampak aja serious..hehehe

Mrs N - I think the shock of seeing such an unflattering image drove me to the slimming centre. now dah tak kisah..

Aida - how to kurus? dok typing kat computer pun makan..LOL.. asyik exercise fingers aja..

TM - I think pak abu dah resigned to the fact that extra lemak is inevitable bila dah berumur. he should know sebab his 'extra' pun apa kurangnya.. hehehe

Qoth - actually I felt malu sangat kat budak pompuan tu. tapi dah 'terlanjur' pi, terpaksa membolenkan diri .. sumpah tak buat lagi dah!

Ray - i am glad i found the strength to keep off rokok ..

Derebar - wah, you would make a splendid husband with your kind of diplomacy, derebar..

VA - indeed, a little more flesh wont hurt..

Farina - so I was told, water loss aja, nothing more.

Naz - pak abu and I hv been sparing with our rice intake. sekali sehari aja. rice tu carbo, bila consumed converted to sugar.. tu yg menjadi2 gemuk tu..

Tommy Yew said...

Hi Puteri,

Tot I share this with you lovely ‘bubbly’, bouncy'people.

I heard this, this morning from some ‘expert’ lah. The fact that diet books, videos, slimming centres, etc..can claim success rates with clients losing weights is not because of their methods. The actual fact is that the customers lose those weight is because the money that they spent on these programs would had otherwise being spend on FOOD, glorious FOOD! Hmmm u see logic in this?

Cheers,

Tommy.

Awang Goneng said...

Salaam Sis!

You look OK what! Trust Pak Abu, he's right.

I don't think I have met you in the flesh (er, you know what I mean). But I think I've spoken to you on the talipong a couple of times in those journalism days when typewriters were upturned after writing a story and the entire office was open plan.

Just a word of warning though about drinking water. Do be careful as your brain can be water-logged and you can come to grief. This has happened too many times. Recently a marathon runner thought she was going to dehydrate, so she drank water and water and water. So young, and so dead. Drinking too much water depletes sodium from the blood. Look up hyponatremia. Eh, jadi macam dukun pulak! But I do envy our Aida who's sitting there with a balang of kepok Ganu. Wah!

wanshana said...

Kak Puteri,

I've given up. Fullstop :)

Registered as a Life Member at Ce*eb*ty Fitness some time in 2006, and had never gone back there since. Not even once.

We have a treadmill AND a cross-trainer at home, and I can count using the fingers on one hand as to how many times I've been on them.

Control makan? Somehow the mind and body didn't seem to understand the concept of "controlling".

Hehehe...

edelweiss said...

Salam Kak Puteri..

From the bottom of my heart - u r gorgeous for your age... :)

stay the way u r now...dah cantik lawa...betul kata pak abu.

yang nak kena buang segala spare tyres ialah i nih... :( waaaaaa isk isk

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Salam Kak Puteri,

I makan nasi kekadang 3 kali sehari. Ni pun tgh makan nasi goreng dgn cucuk pisang..

Wow, u r 5 6'? That model material...I used to try the free session at a slimming centre, tak best pun, takut la depa attach kita kat machine macam Frankenstein!

Join Fitness First pun ada, but malas pegi. My hubby is an aikido instructor, but wife dia is a hesitant aikidoka (time dia bagi explanation of the techniques I dok sibuk tgk myself in the big mirror kat studio tu..)

I gave away smoking about 9 years ago, but if feeling stressful, nak jugak tgk asap keluar berkepul-kepul..:)

I think u look just OK la. Oh yes, have u tried swimming. Now don't tell me u segan pakai swimming suit, ala belasah je, sekarang ada jual yg Muslimah punya..try la.

I think you try drinking weak Japanese tea, minum tu je sambil enjoying ur cookies tu..mesti you will feel good.

Saya... said...

sis kama,

kalau minu air, better to put 3 pinches of himalaya ROCK SALT for the minute minerals...hilangkan lapar...sebab doc told me sometimes lapar sebab mineral loss...worked...i lost weight (cuma nai balik sebab stress eating, walau tak lapar)

Oldstock said...

Salam Kama,

Looking at your before and after pics terasa macam my wife jugak lah. I saw a pic of her during her college days... slim sungguh, pakai baju kebaya lagi!

Sekarang ni, berat badan dia pun dia takmo bagitau.

Kama said...

Tommy - spot on there.. hehehe

AG - tq for the advice. i never knew too much water pun tak bagus.

Wanshana - sekapallah kita.. never mind, what counts is the semangat to slim down..LOL

Edelweiss - if only spare tyres ada monetary value, we would be very rich women indeed..

Ida - whoa! nasi 3x/day? that's scary la sis!

Saya - tq, perhaps i should give it a try.

Oldstock - awww... kebaya-clad eh, sure lawa abih!

elviza said...

Oh Nooooooooo!!!! I knew it!!! I will GROW OLD AND FAT.

Kak Puteri (in a whiny, irritating sort of sound)... why must you spill the beans? Why oh why?

I just want to share with you that pre maternity I wore a size 8 dress. Post maternity you asked? Tak payah cakap lah. Huhuhuhuhuhuhhuhu...

p/s: Now steamed siakap sounds like a great idea

Anonymous said...

Salam kak puteri,

I think we women kid ourselves by thinking that with some dieting and exercising, we would be able to slip into our jeans or kebayas of 10-20 years ago. Perhaps a handful could, but many would struggle and fail miserably. We then would beat ourselves up for not having the willpower and discipline to shed the excess baggage. It's a nasty cycle!! It's made worse by the glossy mags/movies/adverts which feature svelte, glamorous women (young or old) that give the false impression that ALL women should look like that! I think we need to fully understand and accept the changes that the woman anatomy go through at different stages of life. In others words, grow old gracefully! Easier said than done, yes kak puteri??

salam,
a reader from ghana

n.i. said...

*smile*

typhoon sue said...

argh...!! i signed up on a slimming program once. the stripping to the skimpy undies part was humiliating, having to let them take measurements while i stood there wondering, "What do they think of my flabby tummy?", "Is my butt the biggest thing they have ever seen?", "I should've exercised more so that I didn't have to go thru this". "Why, oh why didn't i get a bikini wax before i got here?"...

That program didn't work for me too, and I went back to enjoying all sinful things i should've avoided

and lobster and steamed kerapu sounds delicious.. :-)

m00n said...

i think kan akak ... its ok to be fat ... and some said.. the fatter the wetter ... tah lah .. i do not know much about that!!

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